Erap Joke 41: Plantsa

Doc: O, ano nangyari sa tenga mo?
Erap: Namalantsa ako ng damit. Tapos tumawag si Loi, nadampot ko platsa imbes na telepono.
Doc: Bakit dalawang tenga mo napaso?
Erap: Eh.. tumawag uli si Loi.

Erap Joke 40: Decaf

(erap at Starbuck's Cafe)

Erap:waiter!isang kape nga.

Waiter:sir, decaf po ba?

Erap:siyempre!lahat ng kape DE CUP!bakit?!may nakaplato ba?

Erap Joke 39: Asukal

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at
kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?

Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat
kasi na "Sugar-free."

GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

Erap Joke 38: Side Effect

Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?

Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.

Erap Joke 37: Salamin

May tatlong tao na nakaharap sa salamin na kung sino ang magsisinungaling ay hihigupin, nauna si Ramos.

Ramos: I think my ears are small...

hinigop siya ng salamin kac malalaki ang tenga niya.

sumunod si Gloria..

Gloria: I think i am tall.

hinigop siya ng salamin kac pandak naman siya

panghuli si Erap..

Erap: I think...

hinigop kagad siya ng salamin.

Erap Joke 36: Math Genius

Classmate 1: What is 5 plus 4?
Erap: Eh di 9!
Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?
Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!

Erap Joke 35: 12 feet

FVR : Erap, may gift ako for you, galing sa India and
it's a 10 feet snake.
ERAP: Ow! niloloko mo naman ako eh... 12 feet?
Hoy, di ako ganoon katanga...snake walang feet

Erap Joke 34: Pass

Erap: Good Morning Mr. Ambassador!
Ambassador: Oh! Good morning Mr. President. So how are u today?
Erap: Fine. Thank you! Keep the change!
Ambassador: Yeah, i guess u're really fine. Anyway where's your wife Loi?
Erap: (Seen Loi just pass their way) Oh! She just "pass away".

Erap Joke 33: Order

Bush and Erap visited Mindanao.
Bush: By the way Mr. president hows the present peace and order here in mindanao?
Erap: There are more fish but no order.

Erap Joke 32: Stewardess and Erap

Stewardess: Sir are you done?
Erap: No, I'm Erap
Stewardess: I mean are you finished?
Erap: No, I'm a Filipino
Stewardess: I mean are you through?Erap: What do you think of me FALSE?

Erap Joke 31: Bayan ko

WAITER: What kind of rice would you like Sir?
ERAP : Pinoy tayo eh ! Plain rice
WAITER: What about your viand Sir?
ERAP : (mad) Alam mo nang Pinoy tayo. Siempre "viand" ko Pilipinas.

Erap Joke 30: Ethics

Sa isang classroom...tinanong ni teacher c ERAP?
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Titser: walang may alam..?hhmm ikaw ERAp waht is ethics..??
ERAP: Etiks are smaller than ducks.

Erap Joke 29: Boobs

Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs.
Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yo ang tatlong suso!!!"

Erap Joke 28: Choking

Erap: Doc, I swallowed a bone.
Doctor: Are you choking?
Erap: No, I’m serious!!!

Erap Joke 27: Holdup

sang lalaki ang hinuholdup at tinututukan ng baril si Erap.

Holdaper: Ano'ng gusto mo! ibibiggay mo
sa akin ang pitaka mo o pasasabugin ko
ang ulo mo?
Erap: Pareho lang 'yan.
Holdaper: Ano'ng pareho lang?
Erap: Pareho lang 'yang walang laman!

Erap Jokes 26: Who U?

A few years ago, President ERAP was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...

The instructor told President ERAP , when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When ERAP met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'. )

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'

Then ERAP replied
'me too, ha-ha....'.

Erap Joke 25: Tunog ng Hayop

(na siege ang malacanang ng mga sundalo na nag kudeta, kaya kailangan tumakas ni GMA,FVR at siyempre ni ERAP)

GMA:tara takbo na bilis bago nila tayo makita.
FVR:ayun! doon tayu sa rooftop.bilis!
ERAP:tara!

(nang makarating na sa roof top)

GMA:eto ang gagawin natin, tatalon tayu doon sa puno at dahan2x bababa at tatakas.
FVR:cge wala na tayong choice.
ERAP:cge isa isa lang.

(tumalon si GMA sa puno at gumalaw ang mga dahon)
MGA SUNDALO: ano yun!?
GMA: meoooow, meoooow..
MGA SUNDALO: ah..pusa lang pala..

(sumunod si FVR at gumalaw ang mga dahon)
MGA SUNDALO: ano yun!?
FVR: tweet, tweet, tweet ,tweet..
MGA SUNDALO: ah ibon, ibon lang pala..

(sumesenyas na sila GMA at FVR kay ERAP na tumalon na)
(tumalon si ERAP nang mabilis sabay galaw ng mga dahon)
MGA SUNDALO: ano yun?!
ERAP:MOOO, MOOO, MOOOO
MGA SUNDALO: kalabaw?sa taas nang puno? paputukan!!!

Erap Joke 24: Shall We Dance?

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

Erap Joke 23: Nakabasag

Sa museo nakabasag si Erap ng vase. Nataranta yung attendant.
ATTENDANT: Naku Sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase na yan!
ERAP: Ay salamat!!! AKALA KO BAGO!!!!

Erap Joke 22: Bridge

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.

Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

‘Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?’

‘Yes,’ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, ‘Ah… Is London Bridge falling down?’

Erap Joke 21: Allegations

In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :

THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE ‘ALLIGATORS’ ARE.

Erap Joke 20: Memory

Erap, on being praised for easily remembering people's names, says, "I have a pornographic memory."

Erap Joke 19: Octupos

Asked what impressed him most after a visit to the Sea World, Erap says: "It's the first time I've seen an octopus up close. I never realized it had so many testicles."

Erap Joke 18: Pabango

Erap: Wow ang bango mo ngayon ah! Ano'ng gamit mong pabango?
Loi: Secret!!!
Erap: Secret? Di ba pinapahid yun sa kili-kili?

Erap Joke 17: Shark Attack

Erap and Manoling went to the beach. After diving, a shark swallowed Erap's dick. He punched the shark and it died.
Erap to Manoling: Kaya mo 'yun?
Mamonling: Oo naman, basta huwag mo akong susuntukin, ha?

Erap Joke 16: Softdrink

Tanong: Ilan liters meron ang Coke 2000?
Erap: Apat!
Tanong: Ha????
Erap: LITER C, LITER O, LITER K, LITER E!!

Erap Joke 15: Potato

Erap is in a restaurant with three friends. One friend orders for "potato" and another, for "mashed potato". The third friend asks aloud what the difference is between "potato" and "mashed potato".
Pointing to his off-white wrist band, Erap volunteers, "Ito, pote 'to". Then he points to his white shirt: "Mas pote 'to".

Erap Joke 14: Order

Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
FVR: Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries ( order ni FVR )
Waiter: And you Sir? (talking to Erap)
Erap: The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too .

Erap Joke 13: VHS

Erap: Soli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture saka sound. Sayang suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.

Erap Joke 12 : F**k

In the 747 airplane, Erap bumped an American woman.
Woman: F**k you.
Erap: F**k you too.
Then, husband arrives.
Husband: What seems to be the problem?
Erap: Your wife F**k me first, so I F**k her too.

Erap Joke 11: Stuck

Enrile: Bakit ngayon ka lang. Tapos na meeting.
Erap: Eh, na stuck kasi ako sa escalator ng isang oras. nag brown-out kasi.

Erap joke 10: Oral

Teacher: Erap, all your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Erap: Oral.

Erap Joke # 9: Milk

The former presidents were interviewed by a tv reporter.
Reporter: Well, you were presidents of this country. That's an achievement! Can you share us your secret? Let us start with the milk your parents used to feed you when you were young.
FVR: Ako lactum, kaya medyo sharp memory ko at pumasa ako sa West point.
Cory: Ako naman Nido, kaya malakas at masigla ako nung bata pa ako.
Reporter: Ikaw naman Erap, ano ang milk na pinainom sayo nung bata kapa.
Erap: Ahh... Ano yata Lactacyd.

Erap Joke 8: Milo Endorsement

Erap was asked to endorse a chocolate drink MILO. Erap agreed on the condition that he will make the ad in his own room with his camera secretly that only he should know what it was and it should be first broadcast on national tv. On ABS-CBN, Erap inserted the tape himself on the day it should be broadcast. The entire filipino nation was glued on tv that day because it was the day when pacquaio and morales fought. On the commercial erap endorsed the product by defining MILO:

M - Masarap na masarap ito.

I - Inumin ng nakararami.

L - Lasap na lasap ang lasa.

O - OVALTINE, THE OLYMPIC DRINK !!!!!!

Erap Joke 7: Remains

While in a friend's wake.
Erap : Tayo na Jinggoy, mauna na tayo.
Jinggoy : Dad, maaga pa naman, kararating lang natin.
Erap : Hindi mo ba nabasa yung sign "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED"!!

Erap Joke 6: Women to Marry

Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says:"Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse".

Erap Joke 5: Mirriam and Erap in a Debate

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos

Erap Joke 4: Got Hungry

Erap & GMA attended ground breaking ceremony of a highway when they got hungry and approached a vendor.
Vendor: Sir at madam, kuha na kayo ng pagkain. May siopao, softdrinks at mani.
Erap: Sige kuha na tayo.
GMA: Tinitigyawat ako sa mani.
Erap: Talaga? Ako naman sa mukha.

Erap Joke 3: Execution

The former presidents of the Philippines Erap, Cory and FVR were kidnapped by Abu Sayaf. The present government refused to pay for ransom. Thus, the abu Sayyaf group decided to execute them each on friday, saturday and sunday. The kidnapped ex-presidents realized that the last hope that they could do was pray for something to happen so that they could escape. The Abu Sayyaf preferred firing squad to kill them.

On friday, Cory would be executed:
Abu Sayyaf: (counting down to zero to pull the trigger.)10, 9, 8, 7..
Cory: Lord, please let there be earthquake. EARTHQUAKE!!!!
And there was a strong earthquake on that day and Cory was able to scape.

On Saturday, FVR would be executed:
Abu Sayyaf: 10, 9,..
FVR: Lord, please let there be storm. STORM!!!!
And there was a storm on that day and FVR was able to scape.

On Sunday, Erap would be executed:
Abu Sayyaf: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6,
Erap: Lord, please let there be.. (Erap was mentally blocked)
Abu Sayyaf:5,4..
Erap: let there be....(Erap was so nervous)
Abu Sayyaf:3, 2, 1,
Erap: FIRE!!!!FIRE!!!!!!!

On monday, the present president declared Monday a national mourning day for Erap.

Erap Joke 2 : Dapat iwasan

Tv host : Pres. Erap, bakit po paika-ika kayong maglakad?
Erap : Sabi ng doktor ko mataas raw cholesterol level ko kaya iwasan ko raw yung itlog!

Erap Joke 1 : Erap Inquires

Erap: Hello. How long is the flight to New York?

Operator: Just a minute sir...

Erap: Thank you! Malapit lang pala.